The long and short of it

Northampton. He successfully force landed and found his way to a phone to call the club house. He gave the position to the instructor, who said he would pop straight out in one of the club’s aircraft to pick him up. The instructor found the downed student, parked in a rather small looking field. ‘Hmmm, if he can get in there, so can I!’ He performed a textbook short field landing and parked extremely neatly in the hedge at the far end of the field. On extricating himself from the brambles, he asked the student how on earth he had managed to land in such a confined space. ‘Oh, I didn’t – I landed in that big field over there and pushed the plane in here to give you more room!’

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and sais to the attendant 'Fill'er up !'
The attendant stared at the pilot.
"Bet you don't get too many aeroplanes asking for fuel", said the pilot.
The attendant replied : "True, most pilots use this airport, on the other side of the road !"

How to measure distance

"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

Die like a man!

Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when a lightning hit him:
‘We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything ........‘
After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the comm: ‘Oh shut up and die like a man!'

How to perform a 'Go around'

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

Request groundspeed...

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.
"90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted:
"Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response: "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation like this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seat:
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause . . . .
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.